The Best Entry Yet: We have a little girl

  A month after my last post everything in our world shifted.   Tuesday (important to note) May 5th (important to note) We received an email from our agency telling us of a little girl waiting.  There was one medical need in her file that we had not originally checked as being open to, but if we wanted to go ahead and look at the file we could.  My heart fell.  It was a Tuesday.  It was the 5th.  I called Dave.  His heart said the same answer mine was screaming, "yes!!!".  I called our case worker as Dave was frantically driving home from work.  Could this be it?  Could she be our daughter?   We set the girls up with a movie and the two of us gathered around our computer.  We prayed.  We called our case worker and he began to speak.  I have no memory of anything he said.  It was the basic information.  Age, 3.  Birthdate, February 20.  Location, Johannesburg.  Then he began to speak into her need that we had not originally "checked" on our medical check list form.  Premature Very premature 28 weeks in fact Two pounds at birth Sweet baby girl Dave took the lead because I think he knew my heart was off to the races.  "We want to see her file, but no pictures yet." He is so wise. We got off the phone and didn't really know what to say or how to process.  The other part is that Dave was leaving.  Headed to Boston for a business trip and then from there to Haiti until late Monday night.  So we prayed and said goodbye.   This file and I became the best of friends.  I read it at least three (hundred) times a day.  Googling words I saw.  Names I read.  We emailed it off to the International Pediatrician at Children's Mercy for review.  And prayed.  My anthem song was Holy Spirit by Francesca Battistelli.  Every single time I was in the car that song came on.  I invited His presence to surround me, to flood our home, that at the end of the day it was His glory and His path that I wanted more than anything.  Dave and I weren't able to talk because of his meeting schedule and our schedule here at home.  And then when he got to Haiti the chance for communication lessened.    Sunday was Mother's Day.  Standing at church worshipping by myself, holding this sweet girl in my heart.  Crying out to Him as I had been for almost 4 years to bring to completion this call.  Was this completion?    Driving to the airport Monday night I repeated a phrase that I repeat very often in our marriage, "expectations are pre-meditated disappointments".  I said it over and over and over again.  Because I knew that the last 6 days for Dave were very different then the last 6 days for me.  I didn't know where his heart would be.  Or if it would be anywhere.  And I needed to let my heart know that and give permission for his heart to not be where mine was.  So I repeated it and repeated.  I knew that I was a resounding YES.  So many things over the last 6 days had confirmed that for me.  But I knew that I needed to stay calm and let Dave lead this one.  I pulled our car over to the side to pick him up.  The girls were so happy to see their Daddy again.  I was so happy to see their Daddy again.  He got in the car and the tears started for him. "God completely took away my desire for a son.  Every orphanage we visited a three year old girl grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go.  All I can see in our family is three little girls." There was more but I don't remember. All I know is I was driving, crying, listening and repeating still, "expectations are pre-meditated disappointments".  That Tuesday we heard back from the International Pediatrician And that Wednesday, May 13th, we officially accepted her referral and saw her face for the very first time.  The four of us piled up by the computer and we opened the file all together.  We have this on video and I will post that sometime soon.  It was pretty sweet.  She is ours. An orphan no more A sister A daughter  

Why is Tuesday so important?

*Two years ago we got a referral for a little girl in Ethiopia.  She is blind.  I had just picked Maren up from school when I got the phone call.  We spent a day of big prayer and fasting.  We were going to say yes, but there was this deep ache in my heart.  Deep.  I knew that I could be a good Mom for this little girl, but I knew deep within me that I was not her Mommy.  Since that day I have been praying for God to redeem Tuesdays for me.  Not only that, but Tuesday school pick up.  Almost every Tuesday since that one, I prayed that prayer driving to school.  And wouldn't you know this email from our case worker came while I was waiting in the pick up line for Maren?  Tuesday redemption.

 

Why is the 5th so cool?

*We changed to South Africa in November.

December 5th our social worker came over to update our home study

January 5th we mailed our documents to immigration

February 5th our completed dossier was sent to South Africa

May 5th we were presented with our sweet girl

 

I poured over her file a zillion times over those 6 days.  Going to sleep was hard.  I read the Psalms when I feel anxious or can't sleep.  I was reading one of my favorites, Psalm 34, one night.  I came across verse 18 and the words that I wrote above it struck me.  I went and grabbed her file.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Tears rolled down and laughter came too. 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;  He rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

Above this verse I wrote, "prayer for our baby and their family 10/2012"

Our baby girl was taken into care October 2012. 

Breathless

God was so gracious to align all of our hearts in that moment.  While adoption is one of the most beautiful things, we have to remember that our gain comes at her loss.  There is deep loss before there is a deep gain.  So yes.  October 2012 is a month of great hearts that were broken and spirits that probably did feel crushed.  Because the weight of this world is great.  But in that moment, God aligned this Mommy in Kansas with a Mommy in South Africa.  Words fail me in even trying to grasp this mystery.  Even while reading Jen Hatmaker this morning, she nailed it exactly, "Their tragic circumstances didn't lessen their worth but raised them to the highest level of divine attention."  While the pain of this world, the loss in this world, the hard.....all of that seems to say that there is no God.  That He has forgotten.  That He isn't there.  Truly, it is those moments that raises us to the highest level of divine attention.  I had no idea that when I prayed that night in October that I was praying those words so precisely, so timely, so exactly.....but God knew.  He knew because He raised our baby girl and her family up to the highest level of divine attention.  I am eternally grateful.

 

So she is ours. 

What comes next?

We are currently waiting for our approval letter from the Central Authority.  As soon as we have this we will apply at Immigration.  As soon as we get immigration approval we wait on a court date.  As soon as we have a court date we travel.  As soon as we travel, we meet her and keep her forever!  Phew!

Big prayer right now is for that letter to come so we can get the ball rolling.  We would love to leave late July but that isn't looking like it could be.  But our timelines are not His timelines.  We would love your prayers!

 

I cannot share her picture or name publicly just because she is not legally our child.  So when you see us ask, we will tell you and show you!  Our girls are so excited for a new sister!  

 

We love sharing her with people and we love answering questions.  But also know that we won't answer all your questions.  Our baby girl's story is hers and hers alone.  Imagine if you had a file for your life, and I mean the most broken place of your life.  That is probably not something you want read by everyone or told to everyone.  It is your story.  It is hers and hers alone.  We hold it with such tenderness, dignity, and love.  And we will hold it for her.  I will write a little more on what coming home plans will look like for our family as we begin to knit each other to one another.  Why I won't be dropping her off at Sunday school or not having a big party when we get home or not hanging around a lot of people or not wanting you to hold her or not going places much at all.  So many have forged beautiful paths of this knitting together so I can share with you their insight.  I hope my words don't make you nervous to ask me questions or to draw near to our family.  That is not my hope.  My hope is that you wouldn't be offended and that we can all have permission to learn together.

 

Thank you for being on this journey with our family!  We are so grateful for you!

More to come!

Entry #5: A clumsy messy letter

Dear Church Member,

          Let me start by saying that you mean lots to me.  I see you each week.  You are the one I sit next to on Sunday morning.  You are the one serving faithfully in the children's program when I drop off my kiddos.  You make the coffee I drink and place the cookies that my kids eat on platters so beautifully.  You pass out the bulletins, open the doors, stand outside and greet me, play in the worship band, run the sound, video, take offering, pray for those in need, lead a Sunday school class, or you sit in the last row of the balcony.  Hello there.  I have been thinking lots about you.  Lots about me.  Lots about the church.

          I am a grown church girl.  You know the kind.  I was at church at least twice a week since birth.  I played in the bell choir (I can hold two bells in each hand.  I know.  I'm gifted. We went on tour.  We were a big deal).  On Sunday mornings you could find me laying on my parents bed, legs in the air, so my Mom could stuff on my tights.  I played the Lion when we did a musical about Daniel.  My parents were on the board of directors, orchestrating greeters, hosting at our home, leading small groups, teaching pre-marital classes.  You know the kind.  That's me.  Hi.

          In many ways, grown up church girl is just the way to say it.  I grew up.  IN church.  Inside those walls.  Learning how to be a "church girl" for all the "church folks".  But then, the hard part is that all the church folks in my first church as a little girl were actually humans.  And humans aren't perfect.  And there was hurt.  And we left that church.  So church became an ever evolving thing for me.  We were new to a church when I was in high school so the planting of my feet didn't really happen and in college Navigators became my church.  Then when I graduated I was on my own.  Not knowing exactly what to look for in a church.  Not really knowing what I wanted in a church.  Not really knowing what church meant biblically really but not brave enough to ask.  So I went to church.  Because I learned really good on the ways to be and not be.  And yet somehow didn't really understand what had been done for me.  And that- the what had been done for me, that should be why I go to church.  And that is why I should be out of the church too. 

          Now, don't get me wrong.  We need bell choirs, greeters, teachers, leaders, worshippers, baby holders, marriage encouragers, coffee brewers.  We need you.  You are important.  You are necessary.  But I just wonder if we have become a little bit like insiders.  Trained up insiders.  Trained up seat warmers.  Trained up people who worship and listen to great sermons.  People who leave on a Sunday inspired but not changed.  Or dare I say, people who leave church on Sunday so tired, over extended, and not happy with our kids who are losing it because you wouldn't allow them the third cookie.  Because, church member, I have been convicted lately that all I just said up there describes me too.  And I had to stop to ask myself, is this the mission of the church?  You know.  The one that was started by those radical disciples.  That rag tag team of men who really had no credentials and never once filled out a spiritual gift survey.  They just spoke of the Messiah they knew, loved, followed, trusted, and had reigning over their life.  And they went to people who didn't know Him.  And they even died for Him.

          I have to ask myself if I know people who don't know Jesus.  I mean really.  And am I honestly thinking they are going to stumble into our church one day?  Or am I positioned to see them? 

The answer is yes. 

I am totally positioned to see them. 

But do I see them? 

Do I want to see them? 

Wouldn't it be easier if they just came to a Sunday school class and I could sit next to them.  You know. 

Just weekly. 

 For 45 minutes. 

 Is that the kind of love and passion I have for Jesus?

 

          One thing I need to mention is the many ways my parents taught me church outside of a building with a steeple.  You see, as I was thinking and working through this whole church tension I feel now, the Lord reminded me.  He reminded me that maybe I had forgotten parts of my church story.  I instantly remembered the many nursing homes and hospitals my Dad took me to on a Sunday.  We would go to church, pick up the traveling communion, and visit members who couldn't get to church.  My Dad would talk with them, touch their hands, pray for them, and give them communion.  At my young age I had no idea how meaningful it probably was for them.  My Dad has a way of making people feel really important when he is talking with them.  Reminding them of their worth.  Little did I know my Dad was teaching me church.  My Mom created a home that always had an extra chair at the table.  We had people in our home all the time for meals.  We even had people live with us who needed a place to stay.  Most Sundays when we weren't at The Princess Garden for lunch, you would find us at home with an amazing Pot Roast in the crock pot and random people my parents said, "come on over" to that morning.  Holidays were not exclusive to family.  Actually, every holiday, my Mom made sure people who had no where to go, they knew our home was their place to go.  My Mom (and Dad too) has an incredible way of making people feel comfortable really quickly.  She has a gift for finding that one person who needs someone to see them....I see that in my daughter Savanah.  Little did I know that my Mom was teaching me church.

          I wonder if we truly said that we were going to not just sing the songs, hear the sermon, maybe take some notes, and volunteer......but we decided that we were going to act as though we really are marked.  We really are transformed.  We really have the Holy Spirit living within us, that same Spirit that raised our Savior from the dead.  That by Thursday we will still be as fired up about our Savior as we were just days ago.  That maybe we think backwards. 

We roll into church as fragile clay jars. 

Walking in hard pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed. 

We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 

We are knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 

We said yes each time He placed someone in front of us that needed His love.

Maybe we share a few battle stories from the week. 

We encourage. 

We remind. 

We pray. 

We anoint. 

And then, we send back out. 

Because we have been called. 

We have been anointed. 

We have been commissioned to take the good news to those who don't know it. 

 

          So, dear church member, I just wanted to process through this place we go to each week.  I wonder if there are others of you who might be feeling this tension with me.  Because the resurrection changes everything.  If it didn't happen, then really, our weekly church going is just foolish.  Please know, I'm not leaving church.  I love our church.  I love the people.  I love the pastors.  I love the heart.  I just want to ask myself if I am raising kids who will only know church within the walls of a building.  And, maybe even bigger, have I resoluted myself to experiencing church within the walls of a building.  That maybe I might even admit it can feel clunky to go to the people on the margins.  It can feel messy to love those who will never be able to return that love.  And, being completely honest, that in those moments of clunky and messy, I might want to run back into a building where it is programmed.  Filled with people who mostly think like me. 

          But maybe, there are those of you who do feel the tension.  And maybe want to start feeling clunky and messy with me.  Because, I am sure, all those dinners my Mom hosted left big messes for her to clean.  Probably a few stains on the carpet.  I mean, my Mom used cloth napkins people!  But it brought home to those who needed it.  And I am sure going to hospitals and nursing homes didn't always smell pretty or look pretty.  But it sure did bring beauty to broken places. 

          So, here's to rethinking the definition to church.  Here's to wondering where my first yes to clunky and messy might be so the beauty of Christ is seen to those who may never enter our safe building.  Or maybe for those, who like me, didn't always think church was a safe building.  Maybe we can redefine that for them on the outside of the building in order for them to feel being on the inside is safe, as it was for me.  And in a bigger way, it can be redefined for us....that we might see ourselves as a ragtag team that God has placed here for a time such as right now.  Because if we were honest, we are all clunky and messy to love.  We are just a rag tag team who is so in love with their Messiah.  A rag tag team that has been transformed by the free gift of undeserved favor.  And it is that grace that compels us to say yes to each thing or person or place He puts in front of us each day.

May we begin to crave the clunky.  The messy. The Church.

With Love,

A Clunky messy church girl  

Entry #4: Preparation Surprise

  So I've been thinking lately... On Friday I did something that I had never done.  It wasn't comfortable.  But as I was sitting in this unknown situation, I realized....I was prepared for it.  I realized that God had been training me and teaching me and preparing me for the last two months for maybe just this particular 2 minutes of life.  I know that it wasn't just for this 2 minutes....but in the uncomfortable and in the unknown, I felt prepared.  And I would never had guessed that the last 2 months the things I had been learning would help me in that moment because I didn't even know that moment was coming.  And to be completely honest, I would have missed this moment all together if my bestie wouldn't have picked me up one day when I was feeling sort of lost.  Wondering what it was that the Lord had for me.  How was God going to be using me.  And in that moment she took the time to remind me of all the ways God is using me right now.  And it was as if she was saying, "can you just take a minute and see yourself through my lens?"  Aren't girlfriends the best?  I needed a new lens.  And she gave it to me.  She empowered me to be right where I am.  To see all the things that are on my plate right now as exactly what God desires to use me, grow me, shape me, transform me.    That night I went home and worked in my Passion Planner.  (Side Note:  This planer is amazing.  I have always sworn by paper planners because I was raised right, thanks Diane, and this one I love!!)  I drew in bubbles all the places that my feet are planted right now.  Then I wrote out two goals in each place.  Then put when I wanted to accomplish those goals in my planner for the next 2 weeks (I gotta start small).  So I made a phone call to a dear dear friend.  Then landed myself with her on Friday.  To a place I had no idea I was going.  But once there, saw how the Lord had been prepping me.  I was overwhelmed Friday night.  I was thankful.  Thankful to have a friend who gave me new vision.  Thankful for a God who loves me enough to allow me to work in His stories.    What about you?  Have you ever been in a place that all of a sudden you realized, "I have been prepped for this!  God had already gone before me to bring me to this place!"  Not that we won't feel inadequate.  Because we almost always do in the places He is taking us.  But we can't be remiss in thinking that sometimes the getting there was preparation.  Even when we had no idea we were being prepped.  Maybe you need new vision today.  New vision to see the things that you aren't seeing right now so that you can embrace the things you are being prepared for!  You are being prepared.  You are where you are meant to be.  Happy Monday!

Entry #3: Small talk is right

Some of you may be confused. I get it.  You might have thought when I renamed the blog to small talk diary that it was play on words. Well, dear reader, you are right! But what it has seemed like lately is just that I talk a VERY small amount of talk on here!   Here are a few reasons why that has been the case:    

I went to Palm Springs and got to hike everyday!  Learned that we got our immigration fingerprint appointment for two days after I got home!  So excited!

We got our fingerprints done on a Wednesday and received our immigration approval letter on MONDAY!  That meant that Tuesday me and the little one headed to Topeka to finish up all the paperwork!

Then on Wednesday we headed to mail everything off to our agency!  Just in time for me to catch my flight to Atlanta!

 

Got to Atlanta for an amazing weekend at the Created for Care conference with my besties.  Thankful for these women in this journey with me!

We even stayed a few days longer to be together longer.  We just can't get enough of each other.  And because that cute one on the end next to me is moving to Thailand.  You will hear from her soon on this blog!

Came back and a few days later we celebrated my big girl turning 7!  Something about 7.  Cannot get over it!  Dave and I both got teary on the way to her party! 

So yes.  The talk has been small but the livin has been big!   And I should mention that not only did our paperwork make it to our agency on Friday February 6th, they just went ahead and sent it off to South Africa!  It arrived this last Wednesday February 11th.  Woh.  So now that process is to wait.  And that is something we know how to do!  I pretty much got all ugly cry when we got our approval letter.  I was so overwhelmed at the graciousness of God.  Thankful for how this process has been sweet on my tender and weary heart.  Excited to see what the Lord has in the coming months. 

For now, I am focusing on being exactly where my feet are.  I guess that is what the pictures above speak.  Wherever my feet have been planted I want to be 100%.  That way each moment, each person, each experience, each encounter I can fully be. 

Where are your feet planted?  Don't think about the next place to take them.  Ask yourself what it is you can see from this space.  What you can smell.  What you could learn.  Who you could impact.  All from right where you are.  The being.      

Entry #2: Maybe

 

Okay, I want in on the ANNIE conversation.

I have been hesitant to write a bit because it crosses two worlds of mine that I love dearly. 

Adoption world and theater world. 

I have to say I have been surprised by some of the reviews and conversations out there. 

This will not be a review.  Pure opinion.  And here it is:

I loved it.

Loved it from the very beginning to the very end.

When I walked into the theater I was nervous.  I do not like people playing around with classics.  I like to keep the authenticity of the story.  And this one in particular. The stage musical  ANNIE consumed three summers of my life in 1992, 1993, and 1994.  I played the orphan July, Annie, and orphan chorus.  Then just a few years back I had the chance to direct the show.  So to say this one in particular means something to me is an understatement. 

But I loved it. 

I thought that the changes in the music and script were intelligent, clever, witty, and fitting for a new generation.  And really fitting where our society is, where America is within the context of the "orphan".  In case you didn't know, we really do have a crisis on our hands here in the United States.  In my state alone, Kansas, there are 3,000 kids in the foster care system and 850 are waiting to be adopted (www.adoptkskids.org).  That is just the state of Kansas.  According to the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute there are 397,122 children in the foster care system and 101,666 waiting to be adopted in the US.  So yes, we need to bring this to the light.  And the best part?  It would be this show to do this.  Why you ask?  Stay with me during a little musical theater history if you don't mind.

 

The story of Annie comes from a poem by James Whitcomb Riley

He wrote it based on a little orphan girl, Allie, his family had in their home growing up

Then it became a comic strip in the newspaper by Harold Gray

Then a musical

Then a movie

The comic strip was used to highlight issues that were happening like jobs, organized labor, the New Deal, and political issues of the time. 

 

So when I say, ANNIE is the perfect choice to bring foster care in America to light, you know what I mean.  The comic strip did that.  It pushed the envelope for what was going on in the world around them.  And that is what this movie does as well.  All around us are kids who need a home.  A family.  A family that is willing to stand in the gap for another family. 

 The time really is now for us to see that. 

 

Which brings me to the best part of the whole change in this movie.  She is a foster child.  And you remember where the story originated from?  The poem?  The poem was based on a little girl, Allie, who was an orphan that grew up in Mr. Riley's home, in the 1800's.  People.  That just slays me!

Don't you just love knowing that this all began because a man and his family fostered themselves?  Allie was a foster child.

And now the new movie brings it back to its start, foster care.

 

The undertones of hope, love, the ability people have to change, the ability people have to hope again and again, determination, believing in something more than yourself...it's all there. Because, those are the things we see when we begin to see through a lens outside of ourselves.  In many ways, saying yes to the orphan has given Dave and I completely new lenses.  We see the world and our place in this world completely different then we used to. 

The movie shows that through Daddy Warbucks.  He had no idea what saying yes to this child would mean for him, but he began seeing life through a new lens.  I mean, Grace had been alongside him for quite some time and he never saw love when it was right there.  But through Annie, he got new vision.  And in many ways, he was able to open himself up to the possibility.  She came in and changed everyone.  I personally love how she changed Hannigan in the new film.  I thought Cameron Diaz did a great job.  No one wants to rival Carol Burnett, people.  But the new story line gave her permission to be different.  I have read people thought she was too mean.  And I might have thought the same thing as well.  Until I heard a foster child speak at my church.  She said that none of her foster parents were nice to her.  One foster mom even told her that she would never be adopted by anyone.  My heart fell to the floor when this 12 year old girl said that.  Then I am sitting in this movie hearing Diaz say the same words to Annie.  I was broken all over again.

 

I also learn a lot from Annie as I prepare to bring our child or children into our home.  I watch adoption videos and sometimes the kids are crying when their new family comes to embrace them for the first time.  As a caseworker you prepared your families for that possibility.  You see, I know that somewhere in Africa our child or children aren't sitting around waiting for me to come to them as much as I am sitting waiting to get to them.  In many ways, they might still be holding out hope that their Mom or Dad will be the ones coming through that gate....not me.  The hardest scene in the musical depicts just that.  Daddy Warbucks surprises Annie with a new locket, even from Tiffany's! 

WARBUCKS

It's a silver locket, Annie.  I noticed that old, broken one you always wear, and I said to myself I'm going to get that kid a nice new locket.

ANNIE:

Gosh, thanks, Mr. Warbucks.  Thank you very much.

WARBUCKS

Here, we'll just take this old one off and...

ANNIE

No, no please don't make me take my locket off.  I don't want a new one.  This locket, my Mom and Dad left it with me when...when they left me at the orphanage.  And there was a note, too.  They're coming back for me.  And, oh, I know being here with you for Christmas, I'm real lucky.  But...I don't know how to say it.  The one thing I want in all the world...more than anything else is to find my mother and father.  And be like other kids, with folks of my own.

 

Even living in a mansion with servants and anything she could ever want....all she really wanted was to have her Mom and Dad.  I think of that scene often when I think of our child. You see, to her it wasn't an old broken locket...it was her only connection to her family.  And it was what kept her hoping.  The new movie didn't depict a locket but it did show her going to a restaurant every Friday waiting.  Knowing that the note that was left for her was from there.  So every Friday she would go and wait.  It was her place of hope.  Week in and week out she would go because she had hope.  I also loved that she slept under a table.  She had this amazing bed to sleep in, but it was big, scary, unsafe.  That even though she was in a room full of bunk beds in not great conditions, that was what felt safe to her, its all she knew.  So she made her own little bed.  I was reminded to be mindful of the little things I see when I am where our child has lived.  To remember what kind of bed they slept in, the room, what it was like for them.  Because even though our home will more than likely be so much more than they have ever had...that doesn't make it better. 

 

Gracious.  The loss and gain is mind blowing.

I am thankful for this movie.  I am thankful that they took a risk.  That they brought foster care to the forefront.  And that sweet little Annie with all of her spunk, delightfulness, charm, free spiritedness, and hope is still stealing hearts of people.  

 

If you haven't thought about foster care or adoption, I encourage you to think about it!  And please know, you don't have to foster or adopt to be involved.  Our church has begun forming wrap groups for families who are in the thick of it.  We are in a wrap group for a family down the street from us.  She will call or text for a meal, for prayer, for clothes, and our family has committed to standing with them as they stand in the gap for so many Kansas families.  Maybe you have clothes that don't fit your kids anymore, toys, cribs, pac and plays, books, beds, etc.  Call a local church or agency to see if they have a closet you could donate.  That is wrapping.  That is standing in the gap. 

And to be honest, in many ways, you are part of telling a child that they are worth fighting for. 

That hope is not lost.

They are not forgotten.

That even in the darkest spaces the sun will come out tomorrow.  That as they stick up their chins and grin, they do not have to do it by themselves.  We just weren't created to do this life alone. 

 So yes, you are not only telling them that the sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow they'll be sun, but bet your bottom dollar, I'll be right beside you to see that sunrise.

            

Entry #1: The Closing and Opening

 

 

So, that picture up there...it is a door closing and another door opening.  Honestly, I am just a blubbering fool over it all.  Over the loss, over second chances, over a story I never knew was being written, over the grace of a new path.  Humbled really.    I need to take you back to October.  Dave and I traveled to Haiti with Global Orphan Project.  The trip was monumental to say the least.  For me, it was precious.  Just not sure of a better word honestly.  It was precious to my spirit and filling for my soul.  God was so gracious to me.  So gracious.  I was so guarded.  Fearful in many ways.  Not of my physical safety, but my emotional safety.  I wanted to protect my heart at all cost.  But all through the trip God was just gracious to me.  Giving me kids who needed someone to sit on the sidelines with them.  Women who allowed me to be in their day with them.  Singing.  Encouraging.  Graciousness.  But I also came home with many questions.  Things that I had seen were racing in my heart and mind.  Honestly making me wonder if adopting internationally was what we should really be doing.  You see, I saw Moms, Dads, and Aunts come through the gates of the orphanage to visit their family.  The orphanage wasn't full of kids who needed families, they were full of kids who just needed a place to be while their families figured life out.  Granted, that wasn't the story for every child, but it was for many of them.  I began to wonder if maybe our place was more in helping them figure out life rather than bringing their kids to my house.      When I got back I called my case worker Kate at AGCI.  She had lived in Haiti and was excited to hear my experience.  We were on the phone for over 2 hours.  She heard me go through all of my questions, all my doubts, all my wonderings if we were in the right place.  I asked her hard questions about Ethiopia, the wait, the wait list, the referral process, the governments.  It was raw and candid.  Tears.  Frustrations.  Can I tell you how much I have adored each and every case worker at AGCI?  Adore. And the Executive Director, Hollen, is a force you guys.  A complete force for the orphan, for orphan care, community development, unity, and keeping families in tact.  But the reality is with Ethiopia, it is not what it was.  The truth is, it has become increasingly hard for AGCI to work.  To even bring true orphans to families who are waiting.  The corruption has grown making it hard for agencies wanting to operate in an ethical manner. That day Kate told me that they have matched 9 families in 2014.  Nine.  We were number 29.  The math did not escape me.  The wait was still a reality.  And the slow numbers were even more in my face then ever.  That night, I went on the internet to research adoptions in general.  To research kids who are just right now waiting.  Right now.  And then I just sort of curled up.  Probably not the best time for Dave to be away on business.  Ha.   The next day our agency sent out an email to all the Ethiopia families covering really most of my conversation with Kate.  They were encouraging families to move to another program.  The option to stay is on the table but the reality is striking.  You know when people say, I just want to pull the covers over my head and cry?  Well, I did that.  That afternoon, I told the girls to watch TV, I pulled the covers over my head, put worship music on my phone, and cried.  Cried over the injustice of it all.  Dave came home from work and we just cried together.  We were grieving a child we had longed for and waited for so long and felt as though we had lost.   The beauty of it all?  I had to ask the Lord, "did you call us to this place in order for us to just be where we are in our walk with you?  In our marriage?  For our eyes to have a new lens?  If so, then I say, so be it.  All is well with my soul".  I told Him just that...if the last 4 years were to get me here, then yes.  Thank you.    But God. Probably some of the best scriptures begin with those words. "But God, being rich in mercy because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ by grace you have been saved.." Ephesians 2:4   "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26   He has led us through.  Dave and I spent much time praying, asking, calling agencies, talking with other families.  And we have seen God open another door.  Whispering to us, "it's not over".  So we are continuing to step in faith.  We have landed with a new agency that we love.  With a new country program that we are so excited about.  South Africa So what you are seeing above is our termination contract with All God's Children and our Immigration application for South Africa.  What does this all mean?  Here are a few steps: 1.  Apply to our new agency Spence-Chapin for their South Africa program- DONE 2.  Fill out acceptance paperwork-DONE 3.  Notify our social worker to have our home study updated and adapted to South Africa standards-DONE 4.  Get all our medicals updated-DONE 5.  Get Dave's employment letters updated-DONE 6.  Get background checks from Kansas and FBI-DONE 7.  Get Child Abuse background checks from KS, MO, and NE-DONE 8.  Have a home visit and meeting with our social worker- DONE 9. Have home study written, reviewed, and approved- DONE 10.  Mail home study, birth certificates, marriage license, and immigration application to USCIS-DONE TODAY   This has been done in under a month and a half.  To give you perspective, it normally takes about 4-6 months to do all of this.  I have been working hard and I am so very thankful for the people who have made this a priority to them as well.  So thankful!    Why am I so excited about South Africa when I was questioning ethics in International Adoption?  This is kind of a loaded question, but I cannot tell you how amazing this country is when it comes to being child centered.  The need is there.  There are children who need families.  South Africa has a system in place that comes alongside families to reunify them if possible, a foster care program, a domestic adoption program...once those avenues have been exhausted, the child is released to inter-country adoption.  Only 2 American agencies have a program in the country.  Because South Africa isn't planning on growing their inter-country adoptions.  They want to grow domestically.  But they need families for some of their kids that may be considered "unadoptable" in SA.  We feel proud of the work they are doing in country and we feel proud to partner!   What are we waiting on now? Once Immigration gets our paperwork and processes, they will send us a fingerprint appointment.  We will head up to the USCIS office that is up by the airport to get fingerprinted.  It is really an exciting thing..haha.  Remember four years ago when I went to take a picture because I was so excited to get to that step and a few police officers took my phone?  Yea.  They mean business in Government buildings.  Haha.  Then once they have our fingerprints they will process those and send back to us our I-171H form. While waiting on our form we will put together all the documents that SA requires that is called our "Dossier".  And let me tell you people, I have that completed.  The gal at Spence Chapin (our new agency) said she's never seen anyone do things so fast....yea....you've got that right.  So as we wait for the form I will send stuff for her to double check that I did correctly.   Once we receive the I-171H form (this form gives us permission to bring a child into the United States), then we can go to Topeka and process all our documents in our Dossier.  We have to have them Apostilled.  I will explain that if you ever need to know.  Haha.  So if anyone wants to road trip to the capitol with me one day I would love a car buddy.  THEN, after we get all those docs apostilled then we mail it all to South Africa.  Whew. I need to take a breath. After that we wait to be matched.  Our parameters are for 0-5 years of age, boy or girl, and SIBLINGS!  Dave agreed and I checked that box so fast before he could change his mind. Ha.  They say to get matched could take 6-12 months from submitting your dossier but they have seen faster then that.  We aren't looking for fast.  We are looking to be obedient and we have learned that waiting is just part of that process.  I am so thankful for how quickly all of this has gone because my heart really needed easy.    So thank you friends.  Thank you for investing in our story and following.  It hasn't ended.  But this really was what caused me to change the blog up.  I didn't know what to do with 838 for a while.  And the truth is, I don't have to do anything.  It will always be the place that got me to where we are now and I am thankful.    Exciting things to come.  Sad things to leave behind.  Maybe you can relate?  Have you watched some doors close this year that were heavy to close?  That took some obedience to shut?  Are you walking through a new door tentatively?  Unsure of what it will look like because of disappointment in the past?  I am your sister.  I am with you in it.  What I do know?  God is good.  He is trustworthy.  He isn't finished.  He will finish what He begins  

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!  I love a fresh year.  Each new year brings open doors for so many things.  I am thankful for the doors that opened in 2014 and also for the ones that closed.  And the year ahead I know will come with many openings and closings. I hope that you take time today or this weekend to really dream for 2015.  To embrace all that is ahead, a new chapter.  Ready for the journeying.  One of my favorite authors is Jennie Allen and she has put together a great starter if you don't know where to begin yourself.  Check it out!  If you are a dreamer you will love it.  If you have sort of forgotten to dream...this will restart you.  And for the forgotten dreamer, I want you to know I get you.  One of my favorite quotes comes from the movie Hope Floats: "Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.  Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning...just give hope a chance to float up." We stand at a new beginning.  No matter how 2014 ended for you, we are all, all of us, standing at the start. Before you start, dream a little. And as you are dreaming, give hope a chance.  If you don't feel it now...give it a chance to float it's way into your heart again. Doesn't have to be big. No matter, give it a chance. I am excited for this little diary here in cyberspace.  My hope and desire is that when you read this diary you laugh, you are encouraged, and you feel normal.  Here's to what is ahead!