As you know I haven't written very much. I have started to make a dwindle down in my wall posts. It isn't because I don' t have anything on my mind or heart to write, I just don't know how to say it all. I have to say I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions lately. The wait is hard. There is no nice way to put it. It is hard. Challenging. Annoying. Sweet. Bringing wisdom. And then hard all over again. And the last two weeks have seemed to be the hardest for my personal wait walk. There were moments where answering questions about the process were no longer a joy but an annoyance. I didn't want to talk about it. How could I say, "oh yes, all is going well and in about 3 years we will be home with child!" And then walk away crying. It even got to a point where I could no longer watch adoption videos (and we all know my love for these videos! haha) But really.....the moment this wait walk becomes more about me and not about the Lord.....that is when I need to do a check myself moment. And let's just say.....I was beginning to make it more about me. I needed to check myself.
I am starting a study by Kelly Minter called Nehemiah. I was reading the introduction last night and she said, "because a broken heart is often the very thing God uses to restore the broken." This study is all about asking yourself what your heart breaks for and then going and being apart of that mission. There is no doubt for me that the Lord broke my heart for the orphan years ago. And then by His love and graciousness He broke Dave's heart as well. Thankful. Humbled.
On Thursday when my heart was really breaking, my dear friend Tori (not knowing my heart) slips a surprise in my purse....an Africa shirt she made for me! Thankful for how God takes care of His children by using others. This morning, I got up to go sing on worship team and what is the first song in the worship set? Everlasting God....this is my adoption worship song! "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord" God is good. And what is the sermon about? It was a video journey of the Africa mission team that just returned from visiting Kenya and newly built orphan houses. The screens were filled with African orphans. I wept. For three services I wept. Why? Because my heart has been broken by the Lord to be on mission with Him for the orphan. Humbled. Humbled to be chosen by Him to be on this mission. Thankful to love another child that God is fighting so hard for. The Lord is fighting so hard that He called a simple, unimportant, loving couple from Kansas to bring home and love one of His children as our own. This morning it was said that God's word is not limited to geography! Amen! Whenever we get asked why we are adopting out of America...."what about our own children here?" my answer has always been because God called us to Ethiopia. And now even bigger.....because God's word is not limited to geography. The where is not the issue. This issue is obedience. Even though Ethiopia is moving at a slow rate there have been times when I have wanted to jump ship. Find a new agency, maybe even switch country programs, look at waiting children online from other agencies. And each time the door has closed. And that is because our hearts are in Ethiopia. We love this country. We love Africa. Obedience.
When I back packed the Grand Canyon with some of my favorite people on this planet, there were moments on the trail where it was silent, desert land, no sight of camp, no sight of water, just dry, red land. All that was heard were the footsteps of me and my friend Leah. And yet....every so often there was this bright pink flower that would be living among the stony desert road. We began to call that our Jesus flower. It was a reminder to us that even though it is hard, beautiful things still exist in the tough places. And that is where I am in the wait walk. It is dry. silent. desert land. and the only sound I hear are my footsteps continuing on the journey that God has placed before me. I can't stop. I can't be upset about where I am in the process and just sit down. I must keep going. And my eyes need to not be so inward focused that I can't notice the awesome pink flowers in the midst of it all. My eyes need to be outward. So today was a hard day. God is still good. God is still gracious. God is still faithful. And tomorrow He renews His mercies to me. And I choose to rise up in strength as I wait upon the Lord to finish the work He began because I believe Him to be a promise keeper. I believe Him to be faithful. And I will continue to be obedient.