Genie In A Bottle

I am wondering if I am the only one out there. A grown up Christian girl who had a wrong view of God Who heard it all, learned it all, VBS'd it all And yet...missed Him? You see I feel as though God is breaking up my view of Him.   He has been doing this over a long stretch of time. And now that we are in a place of complete dependence.....I figured it out I had a God in a bottle. You know....like a genie in a bottle I kept God in a bottle. When I needed Him, I would rub the bottle I would wake up every morning for a quiet time I would journal more I would rub the bottle and rub the bottle And when He didn't show up in the way I wanted and in the time I wanted..... I put that bottle away. Put that Bible to the side. Set that journal away. I shut down Sometimes I would place the bottle on the mantle. You know....so you could see it and be totally impressed And sometimes I would hide it. Not from you....but from myself When I wanted to just do what I wanted to do When I wanted to just have what I want when I want and how I want I would put it away, hidden....so I wasn't reminded And then....crash I would need Him. I would go find Him again and rub the bottle. Waiting for Him to show up Whew....how exhausting. This.Is.How.I.Lived.My.Spiritual.Life First of all, God is not a Genie.  He doesn't pop out when we ask to grant us our three wishes. He is the King of the Universe.  Creator.  Sovereign.  In full control.
In December of 2010 we said "yes" to the call of adoption.   And since that time, we have been changed. Dependence. Trust. Faith. Hope. I believe that is what obedience will do to you. It will change you. It will challenge your view of yourself and mostly, your view of God. You see, I think I thought that adoption was changing us.  And it is.  But really, it is being obedient to what God is calling us to that has changed us.  We haven't adopted yet.  That journey is yet to come.  But the journey right now....it began with obedience.  And to be really honest and real?   It was our first time. It was our very first time to fully obey God in a place that we had no idea where we were headed.  
Our scope of dependence has deepened to sort of a point of no way of going back.  The other night laying in bed I told Dave that I just want to not know what I know anymore.  I craved comfort.  I craved control.  I craved predictable living.  I craved it.  But not really.  You see, the girl who lived in comfort, control, predictable.....she wasn't really living.  God calls us out of all those things.  And He tells us that in Him, we have life and life to the full (John 14).  That fullness isn't found living under the mentality of using a God when you want to and when you need to.   
Yes we are close to getting a referral.  But in the same breath.  We are far away.  That tension will always be a great mystery to me.  Yes at the end of each month I feel as though we got a negative pregnancy test and we have to muster all the faith, hope, and courage back up again to believe in the next month.  And the next.  And the next.  And yes, looking ahead in my life is hard.   I really don't know what my life will look like in 6 months.   I am weary. And I can honestly say, I am just ready for some knowing.  
So I'm not sure where God is for you in your own life.   Maybe He is on the shelf for others to notice. Maybe He is hidden away because it is just too hard to face Him. Maybe He is in you.  Alive.  Working.  In all the things I don't know, what I do know is that God is alive.  He is active.  And He is working.  And when you take the chance to say "yes" to the things He is asking you, He will shake things up and leave you better than you came.  And thankfully, He is gentle.  He is loving.   Every 8:38am and pm I ask for God to reveal Himself to me more.  To move mountains.  To break timelines.  To rise up the hope that is alive in me by the Holy Spirit.  And for Him to do what He does best....a miracle.  Give answer.  Reveal the path.  Help me not miss it.