Tonight was a blessing. I got to have dinner with a dear friend in my adoption community. She is here on business and I got to steal her away for dinner. She suggested mexican and I quickly obliged. I cannot explain to you the pure refreshment of our dinner. (although now the literal dinner is not that refreshing! haha) But having dinner with someone in the thick of it....the same thick of it....her in it more than me.....but you just talk through it. You encourage each other without all the "usual" encouragements that you get all the time. We laughed lots and cried more! It was a blessing. Water to my soul! Salsa to my chip!
Part of why tonight was so impact full was because I have been pondering the word hope. This process has been so much more about waiting then I ever anticipated. And you know what synonym is for hope in the verb form? ANTICIPATE! In order to be actively hopeful, one must be anticipating. Hope is to desire something to happen---a feeling of expectation. From a Biblical standpoint, faith is the sureness of our hope! My faith in the Lord is the sureness of my hope! The Lord is my sureness in what I hope. In what I anticipate. So when I begin to lose hope.....I lost faith first.
Many days I have felt as though this whole adoption thing is just a pipe dream. Something that I long for, but will never see. Dave and I have even asked the Lord if He was just using this process to open our eyes in new ways, burden our hearts in new ways.....but never actually bring us in to being an adoptive family. When I watch adoption videos now I always wonder what mine will look like. Not the video really.......but my child. Will he/she be older? Will there be more than one?
But I had to ask myself if I was still hope-full?!? And if I had lost hope....what did that mean for my faith? Ultimately....what did that mean for my view of God? If my view of God is small, then my faith need not be big, and then the sureness of hope is simplistic. But when I have a true view of God, then my faith is in a very BIG God, and my sureness is rooted!
I want to be found hope-full
I want to be found with a big view of God!
I want to have rooted sureness