We are all "in" something. My in is not the same as yours. But reality is....we are all in the middle of something.
I was having one of those days where I felt as though I was the only one "in" something. And the Lord was gracious in showing me that really, we all are. We all have something that He has us "in". Some of us may know it and others may not.....but reality is.......God has you somewhere. Right now. For a reason. For great purpose.
We all know my "in". It all began 3 years, 2 months, and 25 days ago. October. The night that God ignited the fire of adoption in Dave to match the one He ignited in me months before. I had prayed for this moment. Waited for this moment. Doubted it would happen. And just when I least expected. It happened. And from that night, we were "in".
The funny thing is (and the thing I didn't realize that October night) is that to be brought in, you must first be brought out. "But He brought us out from there to bring us in to give us the land He promised on oath to our ancestors." Deuteronomy 6:23 You see, the Lord didn't bring the Israelites into the Promised land instantaneously...they first had to come out. Out of their slavery.
But much like the Israelites, I was wanting God to just bring me "in" right then and right there. But instead, He knew that I needed to be brought out. Brought out of my selfishness, pride, a "getting by" sort of marriage, my bubble, my, my, my, my, my, my.....you get the idea. And just like the Israelites, there were times I wanted to get straight back to Egypt. There have been days that I just wanted to get back to the way things were. Where I was comfortable. Where my eyes had not seen. And my ears had not heard. Pull the covers over my head and give up. Go back to where I was living oblivious to the world around me and just living the expected life. But that is not easily done. And really.....I was not interested in going back. Honestly, I never want to go back.
Being brought out is hard. Joyful. Painful. Humbling. Revealing. Lovely. Holy. When I signed up to be "in" this adoption journey I had no idea all that God had planned for me. Especially, not the 3 years that have passed. But I have found that any time you answer a call from the Lord, generally you only see a few steps ahead of you. The rest are not mine to know. If I knew....would I have walked? I think about that all the time. There are days when I am so confident that God will fulfill all that He has called. He will provide for what He purposes. He will. And then there are days. Heavy ones. Where I wonder, just where in the world are you? Do you hear? Do you care for the orphan and the ones waiting?
I had one of these days just this week. I was sad. Heavy. Longing. I cried pretty much all throughout the day. Tears just flowed easily. Dave came home from work and well....tears. Maren asked, "Mom, why have you been crying today?" I turned to her. Grabbed her hands. Knelt down and said, "When I found out you were in my tummy, I immediately fell head over heals in love with you. The same with your sister. And now with our Ethiopia baby. It has been a long time. And sometimes when God calls us to obey that doesn't mean it will be easy. And it doesn't mean that we will get what we want when we want and how we want it. We must learn to trust Him and lean on Him. And sometimes, we weep. We weep because our hearts are heavy. Heavy because He placed that love there and as it grows it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. So, love, that is why I am crying today." We had a great talk about how God is faithful.
I wonder, reader, what is your in? What crazy call has He placed in your life? If your in is anything like my in, then it didn't begin with the idea of transformation. Sure, this was God's deal. He called us both to it and that is undeniable. But I have to admit, I was not signing up for the journey that I am in. I was hoping for our 3rd child, not for God to completely come in and turn our world upside down. But the truth of the matter is, that was His plan all along. And over these last 1,182 days the Lord has sweetly, gently, sometimes painfully, rearranged how I began. When we said yes to adoption we were agreeing with God that we were ready to be brought out.
So I wait. Knowing that when I least expect it, He will fulfill what He has promised.